Everything is a part of human existence. That life brings everything to the door step. You cannot bypass it.

There was a time, I followed that constant positivity culture. I saw Gurus preaching it.

Instagram posts constantly telling that. It served till a point, until I started losing interest in everything I loved. My head space was so messed up. I could not understand why a dull ache pervaded my heart. I felt empty. I felt dark. And that was 2018. Boy, I could not understand why, when everything was going right and I was ticking every box, why did I feel so dull. I was always strong. I was always so upbeat. Always doing amazing things. Always being looked up to. Always a magician finding something to awe the audience. My heart constantly felt heavy. One day I even got all check up done. My doctor congratulated me on having a healthy heart and lungs.

I was acting positive that I felt I acted infront of myself. Then one day, I decided to feel everything. Boy, that was like opening Pandora's box. I asked myself what I felt. Somedays it was anger. A lot of it. Somedays I felt deep hate. Somedays I missed people, I never looked back after a goodbye. Somedays memories of a job rejection came. Somedays the loss of a friend. Somedays the loss of a pet came. Somedays the beautiful sky broke my heart. I had no idea why I would grieve so much. But I did. My body would ache.

And that's when, this epiphany happened. That everything is a part of human existence. That life brings everything to the door step. You cannot bypass it. Post all these. Something amazing happened. My head has become so clear. And so has my heart. It gave me amazing clarity and peace. And now I don't feel the pressure of being constantly positive. I told a friend today how this quarantine is making me edgy now. I wasn't trying to find something positive to feel. The body aches are gone. I make better choices. I don't feel that ache anymore. I learnt to cry for real now. And not hang on to it. It brought fluidity to my life. I love better.

There is a humility in accepting your own brokenness. We all are broken in a way or two. And that's okay. There is a deep joy in vulnerability. You connect better. In all these my heart found empathy. I don't judge people. That's such a gift. To be at peace with what is. Feeling your own dark self. Your own desperation. Your own neediness. And all that you put a lipstick on, once you feel it. Your life takes a new turn. Things happen. New ground is tilled and new flowers blossom. That's the gift of feeling your own emotions. It's okay when dark clouds come. Let it pour. Imagine the sky constantly holding its clouds. It will leave itself broken and the the land barren.

Let it flow.

Image via Unsplash

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